Dreamland
by VAfanfiction
Summary: Rose has trouble sleeping. Will Dimitri be able to help or push her further into restlessness? One-Shot. (Set at the end of Frostbite)


Sleep never came easy to me. How could it?

A lot had happened to me in recent months that affected my sleep. Hell, a lot had been happening to me for years.  
In recent months, I had learned that the accident I was in with my best friend years ago had actually killed me. She bought me back from the other side, thus forming our bond. While the bond allowed me to sense anytime Lissa was in danger, it also thrust me into her head anytime my guard was down and she was feeling an emotion heavily.

I was constantly being woken up by a particularly bad nightmare that she might have or even worse, when she'd be getting hot and heavy with Christian.

Then Mason died and my own nightmares began. It hadn't even been two weeks since his passing and already the nightmares of that horrid day had become too much for me to handle. I didn't need Lissa's horror waking me up anymore; mine was enough. I was plagued with images of his lifeless body looking at me like I had been the one to kill him. The image of it was fresh in my mind and would pop into my head anytime I tried closing my eyes to sleep.

But nothing and no one took my sleep away from me more than Dimitri. I had become restless since he came into my life. I'd lay awake at night replaying every moment we would share together, dissecting it to pick out even a small hint that would give away what he really felt for me. The feeling increased tenfold after the night of the lust charm. I would go over that night constantly, in fear of forgetting even one second of what had transpired between us. I was terrified of forgetting what his hands had felt like on my skin or the rough huskiness of his voice as he whispered my name in my ear. I wanted to permanently etch that memory into my mind so even decades down the road, I would remember each detail, every word he said, every brush of his skin against mine, with extreme clarity.

Awake, I imagined a life with him that I could never have and make up things I'd never have the courage to say.

I thought I would forget him while I slept, but he visits me in my dreams.

There was nothing I didn't dream about when it came to Dimitri. I dreamt about finishing what we started the night of the lust charm. Imagining him being with me in a way no other man ever had been. Looking up at his handsome face and loved filled eyes as he entered me and whispered loving words in Russian as I came for him. I dreamt of sharing a home with him, holding hands in public as we openly and proudly showed our love for one another to the whole world.  
A small part of me even dreamt of carrying his babies, a dream I knew would never come true since it was biologically impossible for us. I imagined him holding a small baby that was equal parts me and him, and loving that child so much, I couldn't even put it into words.

I had learned that while I dreamt, loving Dimitri was a beautiful and sensual experience. In reality though, loving him was a lot harsher and difficult than I ever thought it would be.

The thought of us two and the future that we couldn't have kept me awake at night. It left me aching for a dream that would never ever come true.

And now…now I didn't know where our relationship stood. He was leaving me for Tasha. The last real conversation the two of us had together was on the rooftop, right before my friends and I had been taken. I told him to accept Tasha's offer, telling him I wanted to see him happy. And I did, I swear I did, but that doesn't mean it didn't shatter my heart in a million pieces to know that he would be leaving me; to picture him actually _being _with her, and having children with her.

The thought left a deep ache in my chest. It took one Moroi woman to offer him something I couldn't for him to leave me; for him to forget about me.

I knew I wasn't being fair. Since the group of us had been found, Dimitri had been painstakingly alert and worried about my wellbeing. I heard his heavy footsteps outside my door throughout the day. Sometimes I would stay super quiet, just so he would knock on my door, allowing me to hear the deep, yet soft voice of his that I missed so much.

"Rose, are you okay?" I would pause a moment, wondering what he would do if I didn't answer him, but guilt would override that thought, and I'd answer him back.

"Yes," I'd tell him. And then, as always, I would stand quickly, hoping to open the door to at least catch a glimpse of his handsome face, but the sound of his quickly retreating footsteps would stop me.

So you see my dilemma? Dimitri may have been here for me, checking in on me as a mentor would, but he was distant. In my head, he had already packed up his belongings to leave me for Tasha, but wanted to make sure I had recovered enough from the events of Spokane.

I felt an extreme sense of hopelessness since coming back to the academy after Mason's passing and finding out about Dimitri and Tasha. It was like I was in this daze that I had no way of shaking myself out of. The few times I would step out of my room, people openly stared and I knew I looked like a zombie, the bags under my eyes becoming darker and heavier the longer I went without sleep.

And I was waiting. Waiting for news to come to me that Dimitri had left. Would he come say goodbye to me? Even if he did, what could he possibly say that would make me feel better about him leaving? Did he even want to say goodbye to me? Did I mean anything to him at all?

The problem with going without sleep is that it makes you incredibly vulnerable. You feel emotions so strongly that you could drown in them.

XXXXXX

Today was the first day I'd be going to back to class and resuming my normal schedule. I contemplated going to practice but the thought of finding the gym empty of Dimitri scared me so much, I stayed in bed. That and I actually felt nauseous from lack of sleep. I tried counting in my head how many hours of sleep I had gotten in the past 2 weeks. Maybe 10 total, if not less.

I barely had the strength to put on my clothes and with heavy footsteps, walked down to the cafeteria where I knew my friends would be waiting for me.

"Jesus!" I heard her, before the shock of seeing the physical state I was in flooded to me through our bond. I felt her concern and roaming eyes as she took me in. "Rose are you okay?" I nodded, not knowing how much reassurance I could give her since the evidence was in front of her eyes. I looked up at the couple sitting across from me, trying to ignore the pang I felt as I looked at Mason's empty seat.

Christian, who usually threw insulting jabs my way, took pity on me and tried to change the topic away from Lissa's growing concern.

"You ready to go back to class?"

"Are you?" I asked. Mia, Eddie, and Christian had all been advised to take two weeks off so we could recover from what we went through. No amount of time would allow us to heal from the wound of losing Mason, but I was grateful to Alberta for letting us to have some time to ourselves, no matter how short-lived it felt.

As Christian talked about not wanting to go to class, I felt a tingle run down my spine and knew without even looking that Dimitri had walked into the cafeteria. We had an uncanny ability to sense when the other was there. I could feel him looking at me, trying to catch get my attention, but I kept my eyes on my food or on Lissa and Christian. I was already feeling an onslaught of emotions by seeing Mason's empty chair. The last thing I needed was to look into Dimitri's warm brown eyes and start crying in the middle of the cafeteria when Lissa, and probably everyone else in the school, already thought I was close to a mental breakdown.

Luckily the bell rang, indicating it was time for first period. I quickly gathered up my trash, getting ready to walk away when I felt Lissa's dainty hand on my arm. I felt the cold and hot feeling that always overcame me when she tried to heal me.

Spirit wouldn't work this time, though. I wasn't in any physical pain, though it truly felt like I was.

My heart was broken, and no amount of Spirit could fix that.

I tried to muster up the strongest smile I could, especially after seeing Lissa's heartbroken expression. "All better Liss, thank you."

My eyes stung and head throbbed as I walked into class, which unfortunately was being taught by Stan Alto. On any regular day, that class could bore me to sleep. I had no idea how I would manage to keep myself awake through it today.

I sat down and pointedly ignored my peers' not so subtle shocked and inquisitive expressions. I silently prayed that I would make it through today without actually falling down from how tired I was.

Just as Stan started his lesson, I felt the same tingle run through me again, telling me that Dimitri had stepped into the classroom. Without looking, I knew he took his place against the wall near the door, silently keeping an eye on the class. Just like earlier, I felt him looking at me, trying to catch my eye, but I pointedly ignored him.  
I felt a small inkling of hope seeing that he was still at the academy, but it quickly turned into a pang of pain as I imagined how I would feel once he actually did leave with Tasha.

I tried, hand to God I tried to pay attention to Stan, but it was so difficult when I was this tired. I continuously rubbed my eyes, feeling them physically hurt from the sting caused by going days without properly sleeping.

"Hathaway," I heard from the front of the classroom and instantly all eyes were on me.

"Huh?" I said, slightly embarrassed, because it seemed from Stan's expression that this wasn't the first time he tried to get my attention.

"I said," rolling his eyes in impatience, "that you are being summoned by Guardian Petrov." I looked towards the door, and then for the first time, looked at where I thought Dimitri would be standing, but found the spot empty. Frowning slightly, I gathered up my belongings, trying to think of why Alberta needed me.

Walking out of the room and turning the corner, a small yelp of surprise escaped me as I almost ran into Dimitri.

I put a hand to my chest to calm the rapid beating and took Dimitri in for the first time in days. He looked the same, aside from the growing look of concern that was spreading across his face.

I quickly looked away and took a step back to walk around him.

"Excuse me," I told him, but he caught my wrist, stopping me. I avoided looking up at him, instead staring at where his hand was firmly closed around my wrist. "Alberta needs me," I said, a lot harsher than I meant to, but I was irritated by his silent looks and by my lack of sleep.

Instead of letting go like I thought he would, he tugged me in the opposite direction of Alberta's office.

"What-Dimitri let go!" I was just about to let out a string of curses so bad it would make even Dimitri flinch, but he finally turned and spoke to me.

"She doesn't need you. I lied so I could get you out of class," he said before turning and continuing to drag me to God-knows-where. I stared at the back of his duster in surprise, my mouth opening and closing like a fish. He lied, but why?

Before I knew it, we had approached the guardian building, but instead of walking through the front door, Dimitri unlocked the side door and led me up the stairs.

Finally finding my voice, I spoke while Dimitri walked us up the stairs. "Why did you lie to Stan? Where are we going?"

The latter was answered when we stepped into the hallway and I noticed he was walking us to his room.

A sudden rush of fear hit me so quickly, I thought I would be physically sick from it.

_Oh God, _I thought,_this is it. He's taking me into his room to tell me he's finally leaving me._

I had been obediently following Dimitri for most of this trip so he was caught off guard when I roughly yanked my arm from his hold.

"No," I screeched and pressed myself against the wall. Dimitri looked shocked from my sudden change of emotions. "No!" He looked at me concerned and confused, before taking a cautious step in my direction.

"Rose," he whispered gently, but I pressed myself even further into the wall. "Rose you're shaking." I looked down at my hands to see that he was right; I was trembling in fear from what I thought he was going to tell me.

I saw his feet come closer before his hands gently touched my forearms.

"Roza I'm taking you to my room so you can sleep."

I blinked up at him in surprise, because that was the last thing I had been expecting.

"Sleep?" I asked, as if the word itself was foreign to me.

He nodded slowly, as if speaking to a child. "Yes, to sleep. How long has it been since you've last slept?"

I closed my eyes and tried to do the math, but came up blank.

Opening my eyes and looking into his concerned ones, I answered him truthfully. "I'm not sure."

He exhaled and shook his head, some of his silky hair coming loose from his ponytail.

"Come Roza," he took a hold of my hand this time and walked me to his door. I squeezed his hand, earning another surprise look from Dimitri and braced myself for what I would find behind his door. I don't know how I would hide the heartbreak from my face if I saw his room already bare and packed away. Taking a deep breath as he unlocked his door, I released it slowly in relief as I stepped through the threshold.

Everything was exactly the way it had been since I had last been here. His bookshelf was still completely stocked with all of his westerns and there wasn't a suitcase in sight. He looked at me inquisitively again, but I refused to explain myself.

Dimitri took off his duster and hung around his chair. I stood silently and watched him, waiting. Yes, he told me he was taking me to sleep, but he hadn't clarified anything beyond that. Dimitri walked towards his dresser and pulled out two items of clothing.

Handing it to me, I look at it and then up at him confused.

"For you to change into," he explained. "They'll be more comfortable then what you have on." I looked down at my skinny jeans and long-sleeve thermal, silently agreeing with him. I took the clothes and walked into the adjoining bathroom to change.

As much I hated myself for doing it, I stood in the bathroom after changing into Dimitri's shirt and shorts, and inhaled the scent of his loose fitting tee. Closing my eyes to stop the sudden onslaught of tears, I tried to ignore that this would be the last time I would be wearing something of his.

I stepped back into the room and saw Dimitri had change into a tee shirt and sweats, as well. His eyes roamed across my body, clad in only his clothes, and I felt my skin heat up.

"Comfortable?" he asked and I nodded, giving him a small smile of gratitude.

He lifted the corner of his comforter and gestured me in. Laying on his pillow and letting him cover me with the blanket, I was overwhelmed with the scent I associated with Dimitri. It was all around me and I loved it.

Dimitri took a seat next to me on the bed, his dark eyes looking so unashamedly into my own that I suddenly felt shy under his gaze.

Ignoring the blush that coated my cheeks, I spoke. "Thank you for this. You really didn't have to."

He didn't answer me. I saw him lift his hand and bring it towards my face. Hesitating for only a second, he bought it towards a loose tendril of hair that fell across my forehead and pushed it back. He didn't move his hand though, instead slowly continuing to run his hand through my hair.

My breath hitched as the emotions I was trying to keep far away were beginning to push themselves to the surface. "Don't," I whispered, catching him off guard. He stopped his ministrations, but didn't move his hand. I clenched my eyes tight, forcing the tears back then opened them again. Dimitri was looking at me with the same concerned and questioning expression he had been all morning. "Why are you doing this?"

"I told you, I want you to sleep."

"Cut the shit Dimitri, you know what I mean. Why are you doing this?" I said gesturing between us to get him to understand what I meant.

His voice and expression hardened just as much as mine. "Why is it hard for you to believe I would be concerned about you Rose?"

I bit the inside of my cheek, forcing myself not to reply harshly. I told him on the rooftop weeks ago that I hated fighting with him. And if this was the last time I would be with him, I didn't want to spend it arguing.

I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying shake my feelings of frustration away. "Just forget it, like you said, I need sleep."

"Rose look at me." When I didn't listen, he continued softly. "Please."

His hand touched my cheek and he bought his face closer to mine.

"Talk to me, what's going on."

I shook my head. Dimitri's genuinely concerned expression and his gentle touch were weakening me. I felt my eyes fill with tears, hoping he would just drop the subject.

"Talk to me, please Roza. Why have you been avoiding me this morning? And what happened to you in the hallway?" I shouldn't have been surprised that Dimitri had caught on that I was avoiding him in the cafeteria and during Stan's class. I couldn't hide anything from him.

"I'm just not ready to say goodbye to you yet," I whispered. I felt my bottom lip quivering as the first tear escaped my eye. I swiped it quickly, avoiding looking at Dimitri. "I thought I would have more time. I feel like I miss you already."

I continued wiping my hands across my eyes as more tears began to fall. I felt Dimitri take a hold of my wrists, moving my hands away from my face and forcing me to look at him.

He seemed almost alarmed at my confession. "What do mean Roza, I'm right here with you."

"But you're not. You haven't been here with me in weeks." His expression softened tremendously as he took in what I said. He may have been here physically, but he felt so far away from me.

"I can't sleep. I have nightmares about Mason sometimes, but most of the time, I'm dreaming about you," I admitted, looking straight into his eyes.

"You are?" he whispered.

I nodded, feeling shy once again. "I dream of us together," I told him softly, unable to stop the blush that spread to my cheeks. "I imagine _being _with you, like the night of the lust charm." Dimitri swallowed roughly, his eyes turning a darker shade of brown. "Dreams are all I have of you now."

"Why do you say that?" he asked, sadness lacing his words.

"Why do you think Dimitri?" I responded back. "Aside from the conversation we had on the rooftop, when's the last time you even talked to me normally?"

Hot, angry tears filled my eyes as I thought back to how unimportant Dimitri made me feel since Tasha's arrival at the academy; how quickly he was able to replace me with her.

"I was the one who told you to take her offer. I want you to be happy Comrade. I just didn't think you would be so cold and cruel to me in the process," my voice cracked and I tried to turn away from the heartbroken expression that came over his face.

"Roza please-"

"No," I interrupted him. "You made me feel like I meant nothing to you; like I really was a child who made up something in her head that wasn't actually there."

As I said earlier, being sleep deprived makes you vulnerable. It weakens you, making you unable to withstand something that could be easily avoided if you hadn't been restless. Which was why, there were no way to stop the tears that began flowing in a continuous stream down my face.

"I thought…I thought I meant something to you," I admitted in a weak and broken voice. Dimitri eyebrows scrunched together in pain and he bought his hands to my face, cupping my cheeks and wiping away the tears that had stained my cheeks. I didn't want to put him in this position, guilting him with tears for a decision I told him to make. But if this was the last real moment I would share alone with Dimitri, then I wanted him to know how I felt.

"Roza you have it all wrong, you do mean something to me." I closed my eyes and tried to move my face out of his hold but he only tightened his hands. "Please look at me and let me explain." His voice sounded so pained, that I couldn't deny him even if I wanted to. "You have it all wrong." He took a deep breath and continued. "I was hoping to see you in the gym this morning, but you never showed. I was going to wait until you woke up and were well rested to finally tell you." I gripped Dimitri's wrists and squeezed for the news he was about to tell me, bracing myself for the heartbreak I knew was about to come.

"No," he said simply and I stared up at him dumbfounded. Had I blacked out or something during his speech? My grip loosened on his wrists and I pushed him away, before slowly sitting up. Dimitri moved slightly back allowing me enough room to sit across from him.

"What?" I asked finally.

"I said no. I told Tasha no." I stared at him open-mouthed as I tried to make sense of what he said to me.

"But why? That was an opportunity of a lifetime. Why did you say no?"

He looked at me and for the first time since I came into his room, I saw a calm and open expression come across his face.

"You're right, it was an opportunity of a lifetime. But how could I say yes to Tasha when my heart already belongs to someone else?" My breath hitched at Dimitri's confession.

"What?"

Dimitri took a hold of my hands, gently rubbing his thumbs across the back of them.

"When we spoke on the rooftop, I realized how much of a coward I was. I was using Tasha as an excuse to hide my true feelings for you. It wasn't fair to her or you. And when you told me to accept her offer, was the moment I truly thought about what a life without you in it would be like. It terrified me, trying to imagine living without you. I came to your room to tell you, but you were already gone by that point. And then I went days in fear of not knowing whether you were alive or not. Rose the guilt I had thinking you could've left this world without knowing what I truly felt for you killed me. And then when I found you…you were broken."

My tears started up again, thinking back to that day.

"I told myself I was going to tell you how I felt once everything started to go back to normal, but I hadn't realized what my distance was doing to you. If I had known, I wouldn't have ever made you second-guess your position in my life. I would have told you what you really meant to me the moment I found you in that house."

I released a breath I hadn't realize I was holding. He wasn't leaving me. He was staying here for me.

"What does this mean? For us?" I asked him finally.

"It means that as much as it kills me, we need to continue on as we have been, though I cannot hide my feelings from you any longer. We only have a few more months until you graduate. I think that should be plenty of time to come up with something."

"Something…?" I trailed off and the corner of Dimitri's mouth twitched up.

"Something on how we can be together while continuing to be guardians."

"You really mean that?" I asked him.

A bright smile broke out on his face and he nodded his head. "Yes."

His hands moved up and cupped my face once again. Dropping his gaze from my eyes to my lips, and then back again, he moved his face closer as I met him halfway.

His lips were gentle, soft as a feather as they brushed against mine. I moved my own hands to his neck and pressed myself closer to him. The kiss instantly increased in intensity as Dimitri's tongue brushed against the seam of my lips. I immediately allowed him in, moaning quietly as Dimitri's tongue brushed against my own. All too soon, Dimitri pulled away, leaning his forehead against mine.

Any other time, I would've pulled him back, showing him how happy the confession of his feelings had made me, but the thought was interrupted as I yawned and felt my eyelids beginning to droop.

Dimitri chuckled as he pulled away, pushing gently against my chest so I laid back on his bed. He readjusted the covers on me, placing a kiss on my closed eyes, then one final, lingering kiss on my forehead.

"Sleep now Roza, I'll be here when you wake up."

I smiled and closed my eyes, snuggling deeper into the comfort of his bed.

I felt a sense of peace run through my body, that relaxed all my muscles and cleared up the daze I was in.  
I felt like I was floating.

I felt like I could finally sleep.

And for once, my reality was just as beautiful as my dreams.


End file.
